just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
