Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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