I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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