God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
