my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
