So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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