i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
