i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
