Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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