I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
