So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
