im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
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I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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