Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
