You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
