I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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