My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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