Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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