You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
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I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
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He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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