In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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