I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Please, let me fuck your mom
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
