Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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