you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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