8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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