fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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