Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
