I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
