im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
