I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
