i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
