i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
