just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
