Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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