I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
