sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
