when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
