rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Randomize
