was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
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He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
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YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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