Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
someone owes me an orgasm
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
