drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
