we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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