life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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