if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
