I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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