I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
