dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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