Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
