I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This is the high leading the old right now
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
