Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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