I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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