I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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