I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
