hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
