Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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