I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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