sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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