Non-Jews are for practice
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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