I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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