How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
