Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
