she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
being pregnant is like rehab
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
