Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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